For many of you who know me, I am what you would call a clubhead. I’ve worked at nightclubs and bars quite a bit, I have friends in the industry, and I spend quite a bit of my free time drinking. Good thing I’m a functioning alcoholic or else this would be a problem in my eyes. Yet much to the chagrin of past girlfriends, drinking buddies, and family, I tend to do stupid shit sometimes and they don’t seem to see an end in sight. So whenever I get a little too big for my britches and start talking shit, they are quick to bring up these moments. And since I have no shame, over the next few weeks I will share some these mortifying moments with you. So, pour a glass of your favorite adult beverage, kick back, relax, and laugh at my pain. Enjoy.
“Remember that time you set yourself on fucking FIRE?”
I was in Bloomington, Indiana at a bar called Kilroy’s on Kirkwood at the edge of Indiana University’s campus. School was out for the summer so I went in on a Sunday evening for a quiet drink. I was the only other person in there besides this hot female bartender when an equally hot girl comes in and sits next to me at the bar. Well me being me, I decide to turn the charm up and flirt with both girls at the same time. And not to toot my own horn but after about twenty minutes I had them both eating out of the palm of my hand. The girl who came in was looking at me all doe eyed and hanging onto my every word. That’s when I offered to buy her a shot.
She replied with “I normally buy mixed drinks but I’ve been trying to get into shots. I’m not a lightweight so I like it strong but I also don’t know what’s any good. Any suggestions?” That’s when I asked Becca, our bartender for two shots of Bacardi 151. Now if you aren’t familiar with this particular foul venom, it’s spiced rum but what makes it special is the fact that it’s 151 proof. Which also means its flammable.
So when the shots came, I tell the girl that and proceed to ignite my shot. The two girls are in awe as I hold the flaming shot in front of me and say “It takes a real man to take a shot like this”. At that point I blew it out and poured it down my throat. Problem is, I didn’t make sure it was completely out and the shot reignited like a fucking trick birthday candle right as I was tipping it past my lips.
Up until that moment I didn’t realize so much chaos could be caused in such an empty room. The look on the two girls faces went from panty dropping ecstasy to panic as my entire face from the eyes down burst into flame. Becca the bartender just says “Holy shit.” and walks away from me.
Meanwhile the girl I’m sitting next to picks up the bartender’s bar rag and starts hitting me repeatedly in the face with it trying to put out the flames while screaming, “OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD!!!”. Thing is, the towel had liquor all over it and it proceeded to burst into flames too.
Finally after what felt like the longest ten seconds of my life, the bartender comes back and throws a pitcher of water in my face. So there I am with most of my beard and moustache burned off, possible first degree burns on two-thirds of my FACE, and soaking wet.
Well, again, me being me I try to salvage the situation a little:
Me: “Wow, what the fuck happened?! That shit was crazy!”
Becca: “Jesus, are you okay?”
Me: “Yeah, takes a lot more than that to keep me down. Hey, where did that girl go?”
Becca: “Oh, after she put you out she left.”
Me: “Damn, that sucks. Hah, bet you haven’t seen someone cockblock themselves that hard before, have you?”
Becca: “Nope, but now I have.”
Me: “Well, you seem like a really cool girl and to be honest, I was going to ask you for your number before the whole face burning thing happened.”
Me: “Yeah. Other than the moment when I went into douchebag mode and it looked like I was going to burn the entire bar down, I think we got along gre-”
Becca: “Get out.”
Me: “Yes ma’am.”
So yeah, I learned my lesson. Never do flaming shots in front of strangers because it doesn’t end well. ONLY do flaming shots with friends, because chances are you’re at their house, they know where the fire extinguisher and exits are, and if they’re your real friends you won’t be banned from coming back for six months over an honest mistake.