What’s Better Than a Threesome on Your Birthday? Not This…

By September 6, 2014Featured, News

As some of you out there already know, I just turned 35 a few weeks ago.  Yes, that means that while I am just a few years shy of being the creepy old guy in the nightclub, I’ve already caught myself complaining about the wardrobe and musical choices of damn kids these days.  However don’t get it twisted, I’m not a fuddy duddy or some washed up old codger in the rec room at the retirement home, sneaking into his secret tapioca cup supply before settling in to fall asleep in a recliner while watching an episode of Matlock.

old-man

“I’m more of a ‘Sons of Anarchy’ guy myself, but there’s only one TV in the rec room and he got there first.”

I still party with the best of them and much like any guy out there, I see being 35 now as an excuse to start going bigger and bigger with the birthday festivities each year.  At this point in life, guys are starting to review their personal bucket lists to make sure they didn’t miss out on the little trivial things they could’ve achieved before this age if they just went for it.  And one of the things on many a man’s list that is like this is the threesome.

Threesome

Step One To Having a Threesome: Know more than one woman willing to touch your velcro-like chest.

Now a threesome (or as some people like to call them, “a fucking myth that only happens on the websites that somehow mysteriously end up in my computer’s browser history”) isn’t as hard to be a part of as one may think.  Hell, I’ve had several threesomes in the past and two of them I literally stumbled into without doing anything to cause them.

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“Gawd, humble brag much, you son of a bitch?”

Shut up kid.

Anyway, all that it takes is three willing parties, space, and opportunity.  And for one anonymous man in San Antonio, TX, that opportunity came about because of his 35th birthday.

Whatever the circumstances were that lead to him being able to get two young ladies back to his place for a little bit of sexy fun time action isn’t important.  What IS important however is that this guy had a roommate, 42-year-old Antonio Flores Narcisso, who happened to be sleeping at the time.  Narcisso overheard the sounds of loud, vigorous sex and went to his roomie’s bedroom door to ask for them to keep it down a little.  The unidentified man politely declined, more than likely by pulling the classic “Hey, take it easy, it’s my birthday!” defense.

Or the less common yet still appropriate “Can’t you see I’m right in the MIDDLE of SOMETHING?!” gambit.

Once confronted with that, Narcisso then did what any of us out there would do and went to the kitchen, retrieved a knife, kicked down the man’s door and proceeded to start stabbing him.

shutterstock_132965675Wait.  Stop.  No one else would do that.  That’s fucking crazy.

According to KHOU, Narcisso “became infuriated when he kept hearing loud sex noises coming from the other bedroom.” When the roommate reportedly declined to stop having loud sex with two women, Narcisso kicked down the door and began stabbing him.”

flores

“Now we finally know the secret identity of the supervillian known as Captain Cockblock!”

The stabbing led to non life threatening injuries but did land the roommate in the hospital with wounds on his head, back and arms.  This event happened on May 8th but Narcisso was on the lam up until September 2nd when the two women involved were finally able to identify him.

Two things:  One, that has to be one of the most extreme ways to mess up someone’s sexual fantasy possible.  And Two, the unidentified man and the two girls had to be really fucking loud (every pun intended) to warrant a stabbing to the head, especially if he and Narcisso didn’t have any friction before that.  But hey, there could have been some ongoing tension floating around in the background and it decided to surface at that very moment.  Was the guy late with the rent again? Did he eat Narcisso’s last Pop Tart and leave the empty box behind?  Maybe it had nothing to do with any of those things and Narcisso simply had a flashback to his younger days and a missed opportunity:

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Antonio Narcisso, circa 1992.

No matter what caused this incident, my takeaway for you my dear readers, is this:  Live out your dreams, go for those threesomes if you haven’t already (Trust me on this, they’re awesome), and if you or whoever you’re having sex with sound like a few mountain goats and a sack full of cats being tossed into a wood chipper, don’t screw within range of a sleeping roommate.  Be considerate and rent a hotel room or something, for God’s sake.

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Or adopt this way of thinking. Whichever’s clever.

http://www.khou.com/story/news/local/texas/2014/09/03/san-antonio-man-allegedly-stabs-roommate-for-being-too-loud-during-sex/15013523/